Wednesday, 27 February 2008

• My Story

  Blog, blog, blog.  Perhaps the reason I don't blog much is because if I need to talk something over, I usually talk it over with my closest friends.  The result is that my blogs are not as personal as this one will most likely be.  I am writing today because I need to talk.  So here I go, getting personal, this is my story.

  I grew up in a Christian home, and in my church knew many stay-at-home mothers with lots of children.  I looked up to and admired these women, and wanted to follow in their footsteps.  I think I always wanted to have a big family.... I knew a few couples who had seven or more children.  I guess I figured I would be happy with any number more than four.  I've had lots of aspirations in my life, including being a missionary, but none of these eclipsed or erased my desire to have an abundance of children, and to be a good mom.

  Along with this fantasy, I knew that I was having biological problems since I was 13.  I hoped and I prayed that Jesus would make it all right, but I was not able to seek much medical attention as I was without any form of health insurance the majority of my life.  The few times I did see doctors, their advice was, "If you aren't planning to get pregnant, there is no reason to test or examine you."  and the other advice, was just to put me on birth-control, which made me emotionally wacky, so because no one explained why they wanted me on birth control, I didn't go that route.

  When Derek approached me about courtship, I explained to him the challenges I may have to having children.  Derek's response was that he knew God wanted him to marry me, (his desire was as mine, to have a large family) and we would pray and believe in God's healing power to give us the desire of our hearts.  (Or something like that.) 

  As soon as we were married we hoped that at any time I might become pregnant.  Months and months passed with many negative pregnancy tests.  My body started doing some really weird stuff.  We didn't know what was going on, and my doctors did not persist in testing beyond the basic pap.  Finally after being married (and insured) for a year and a half, I landed in the ER and the Dr at the ER found a growth.  Shortly after came the diagnosis:  Cancer.  Devastation. 

  We kept our hope alive, we tried hormone treatments, we persisted with these and hoped that I could save my uterus.  We tried alternatives like eating organic and taking vitamins.  After another year and a half, the inevitable had come.  Hysterectomy.  I had my hopes crushed, my heart sunk, my dreams shattered, and all of my childbearing parts removed last March. 

  After suffering through two and a half years of lectures about adoption, I finally decided I was ready to look into it.  What I found out astonished me.  I am not eligible to adopt in my home state of Ohio.  No one who is less than healthy is considered... with a past cancer diagnosis, diabetes and being overweight, I am not a candidate for adoption.

  In the meantime, my husbands close relatives are reproducing like rabbits.  I am surrounded by non-christian unwed mothers.... women who live with their boyfriends, and send their sweet little gifts to daycare because they can't stay home.  How can I sit by and see this an not feel the unfairness of it all?

  The real kicker for me is that my best friend who has been married just less than six months is pregnant.  I thought that this would be easier for me than my acquaintances and husband's family members, but in truth it is even harder.  My friend is a wonderful person, she is mature enough to handle having children, she is married to someone who will be a committed and loving father.  She will be a great mom.  She had the same hopes I did for having a big family, and her dreams will be realized.  When she took a pregnancy test, it was out of a hope of being pregnant, and her spirit soared to see favorable results.

  I do not begrudge her this. (logically)  I want her to be happy, and I would never wish my life, my disappointment and devastation on anyone, especially my best friend.  ......  So why?  Why do I feel like I do?  Why do I have this jealousy?  this anger?  Perhaps on one hand, she is being a little insensitive to my position.  My surgery was barely a blip on her radar, she got engaged around the same time I scheduled it.  The death of my hope was the beginning of hers. 

  When she called, I was probably one of the first to know.  I know she loves me and only wants me to share her joy.  She called me "Auntie Chanda" and unfortunately I was completely unable to meet her expectation that I be elated with joy and squeal and giggle.  She was filled with such tremors of happiness.  I am happy for her.... but there in no happiness in me. 

  I am brought to the ground with tears and more tears.  I am in the mill being ground to bits.  I feel as though I have been vomited on by satan himself.  At the very time I should be sharing in the greatest happiness of another, all I can feel is my loss. 

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